Dreaming of today

remember
why
you
started

Life is a journey, not a destination

This morning I woke up thinking about where I am going in my life. I think that during the daily rush, people focus too much on where they are going and not where they are. I think that other 25 year olds think they can only feel completion once they are married with kids and own a house. But, I feel as if many people don't realize that once they get to that point, they will get nostalgic about the days we are in now.I often think about this and tell myself that I should try to enjoy my life right now, and find purpose in the day which I am in, rather than thinking I can only feel complete once I get a degree, house, married, etc. 

Another question I find myself commonly asking is what I want to do with my career. I love the thought of making a difference and I am trying to head toward a degree in teaching. But each morning as I wake up I think to myself "I am not a morning person at all. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life needing to be bright eyed and bushy tailed by 7am?". Sometimes I wonder how far I could get without a college degree. Most people tell me that it is not a good idea to skip college because you are always better off with some sort of degree, which I can not really deny--It is a good point seeing as these days the work world is getting more and more competitive-- and I must admit, I thoroughly have fun with each learning experience during college. Now that I am thinking about it, I can't go wrong with more education, but if I want to achieve goals of helping people and being an entrepreneur, I'll just have to make more time for that, as well as my education. 

I also find myself asking questions like "Do I really have a purpose? What if its all just meaningless, what if I am wasting my time trying to keep myself on some path that doesn't even exist?" But then I think: even so, I would be satisfied with enjoying some sort of life as well as helping as many people as I can. I know I want to help people, and I've thought about the different ways to do it: doctors help people feel better, teachers help people become educated, government workers can use opportunities help those less fortunate.. Where do I truly belong in that picture? It would be amazing to help people in different countries who are without a family, without food and clean water, and without health care.. but there are so many people that need to be helped! It is overwhelming. I will just continue to be my best person as an individual and see where it leads me, and hold onto my faith that I can only fit into this picture as much as one human possibly can. I have definitely created some setbacks for myself along the way, but I must use those as learning experiences, change my ways, and try my hardest.. I think others rely on it.

When I stop I notice...

The snowflakes falling down, 
People bundled up with hoods and heads down,
The lights coming on in the store across the street...
To greet another day of people in and out

The buses start to come
To take and leave people
They're trying to stay warm
They're pushing the snow away

If you look at the soft white friendly flakes and the way they flow
Each piece glides gently from the sky 
Each flake lightly meets us down from heaven... 
Way down here

If you pretend for one second, you're not in a fast rush
You could admire the snow from a warm home
With thoughts of a fireplace, hot cocoa and warmth

If you look real early in the morning, 
Listen with your eyes, its beautiful to see 
The people and the snow coexisting each day
Maybe snow flakes don't mean mean to bother
But maybe just to play

A blessing in disguise
being punished for a bosses mistake
and loosing my job

So, when I was about 21 years old, after going through probably 7 or 8 waitressing jobs and not any of them being a good fit for me. I started working at UNO Chicago Grill. My mom always told me that waitressing wasn't for me, that I should go for something like a receptionist or working at a library. But, the money was good and I couldn't stand the thought of working 8 hours and making the same amount of money that I could make in 3 hours. So, despite what my mother told me, I continued to attempt to maintain a waitressing job. When I first started working there, I was so shocked. I actually really liked all of the managers, and all of the staff. At all of the waitressing jobs I had before, I either felt like the staff were mean, the managers were mean, or both. At this job I genuinely liked the people I worked with, and went into work happy knowing I'd see my friends as well as leave with cash in my wallet. After a few months of working, a new manager was hired. We'll call him Bill. Bill was and is to me in my mind a sociopath, as I will explain why. When I met Bill, he was extremely friendly, outgoing, and personable. Bill would make jokes and seemed to make an effort to get to know me on a personal level. I thought I really liked Bill. For whatever reason, somewhere along the way, Bill either decided he didn't like me, or, I became a victim of his need to punish somebody in his moments of frustration. Anyways, Bill started to bother me and eventually ended up being the reason I felt I had no choice but to quit this job. All of the other managers were super chill, they'd be happy to help us in a tough time, would let us leave early if they could, they had our backs. They would never go out of their way to hurt us unnessecarily, as Bill did to me. At this job, if we ever messed anything up in a customers order, it was known to all of the staff that we were allowed to offer a free salad or dessert. I ended up ringing in a pizza the wrong way and offered a free salad. This happened all the time. Waitors and waitresses made mistakes and we offered free salads or desserts, the managers knew, they were cool with it, they supported and encouraged it. One day I messed up an order on a pizza, so I offered a free dessert, and gave it to a couple I was waiting on. When I asked Bill to adjust the receipt so that the dessert was not on it, he told me that I had no right to do that. Unfortunately, it gets worse. At the end of my shift as I was cashing out with Bill, he told me that he had written me up for the incident, and that I could not come to work the next day. When I did return to work, I spoke with the manager above Bill, and he confirmed that it was okay to do that, and that I should talk to him next time if something like that happens again. The next stunt Bill pulled, cost me to quit this job. One day I had to ask Bill for help on on of the registers, and I believe he was stressed out at the time for one reason or the other, and as I was trying to point to the register to show him what the problem was he physically pushed me out of the way. Bill tried writing me up for something ridiculous again a couple days later, and I went to the manager above him telling him about the situation, and also telling him about how Bill had pushed me the other day. When I told the other manager about Bill pushing me, he told me that it was a serious accusation and that if I wanted to move forward with it, I had to make a big decision. Since I was fed up with Bill, and wanted the unfair treatment to stop I said why not. I didn't realize that going forward with it meant that I was suspended from work until they could "properly investigate" the situation. After two weeks of me not being allowed to come to work, they concluded that I had made up the story, since they had no cameras to prove it, and Bill denied the whole thing had ever happened. Feeling to awkward to go return to work after that happening, I just decided to quit. 
I had lost my job because of Bills mean actions

At the time I felt hurt, and I felt very angry that I could be borderline assaulted by somebody who was my boss and then be punished for it. The way I looked at it, if the right thing were done, if either one of us were dealing with consequences from it, it should have been him and not I. Why did I have to pay for having to deal with the annoying burden of looking for a job AGAIN, when I didn't do anything quite so terrible to deserve this. Why did he get to enjoy working with all of those amazing people, and I kicked out the door? I felt so left out, knowing all of those people would continue to enjoy each others company and have fun at their jobs, not remembering me, the girl who worked there for a little bit and just disappeared. I was so annoyed. I hated having to apply to jobs, go on interviews, the stress of it all. I hated not having money and having to feel worry about work. I had FINALLY found a waitressing job that I liked, and Bill took it all away from me. I was so disappointed and felt so wronged.

My method for hunting down jobs was always searching on craigslist, and making sure to apply to at least 10 different places a day. Even though I didn't always get to apply to that many places everyday, my resume and applications were being sent out all over the place. I had always wanted a job at a daycare, but I didn't think that any of them would hire me because I didn't have experience and I had never gotten called to an interview at one before. One of the places I had applied to, KinderCare, called me and when I went on my interview there I ran into a high school friend who worked there which ended up being in my favor. I got hired at KinderCare and worked there for about a year, the longest I had held any job at the time. I loved working as a "Teacher Assistant", I loved it so much. I couldn't believe all that time I had working all of those other jobs when I could have been doing this! Although today I am with a different company, I couldn't have gotten to this company without my experience at KinderCare. I couldn't have gotten my experience at KinderCare without Bill. Who knows, maybe I'd still be working at UNOs now! Today, I work with an older age group as an after school teacher and I absolutely love it.
I am so happy and grateful for the fact that Bill caused me to leave that job, leading me to where I am today. A true blessing in disguise! :)

They say you can't go anywhere without college
But I know people who are rich that never went to college
Do I really have to go to college to achieve my dreams
What If I waste all my time distracted in college
When I could be creating my own future

When I was doing my hair as a kid
I always worried about the front and not the back
My mother told me 
Just because you cant see the back
It doesn't mean others cant see it

I wake up and I'm tired, and I don't wanna go to work
No, No, No..
I'm gonna get up, drink my coffee
And I'm gonna have a good day

Its Monday night and I want to go out
All my friends are probably asleep
I'm smarter than them
They're waiting for fun to find them
And I'm gonna make fun right now
They're gonna be bored and then wake up, 
and go to their 9-5 jobs, doing the same thing everyday
Waiting for something that'll never come

They say that's not healthy
But I could get hit by a bus, or die any day 
They don't get me though, its easy for them to be that way

If I keep having fun night by night
I know my dreams will slip from my hands
But what am I really living for 
And whose to say I have a purpose

Back and forth in my mind, I have a purpose
I have no purpose, its all just random then you die

I know its gotten better before
So I know there's hope for me

Today is gonna be amazing
Its great to be alive
Today is gonna be the best day of my life

Alchemy.. When you're stuck in the rain
Are you really stuck? or is it just 
an opportunity to dance in the rain?
Its whatever you think it is
As for me Id rather dance in the rain

A Better Work Life

In the following paragraphs I will describe a couple of jobs that I have had and what I have learned from them. I will discuss where they were, what the jobs were, and how they made me change as a person. I will talk about how they made the plans for my future more clear to me, and helped me to understand what I really wanted out of life. 

The first job that I ever had was at Stop & Shop. 
I was so young, maybe 15, and knew so little about the working world and how it worked. 
I remember feeling like since they allowed me to work there, I had to do everything perfect
 I felt as if I were working for the president or something. 
I felt so lucky that they had "chosen" me to work there. If I messed anything up or needed help with something, I nearly had a nervous breakdown worrying that I would get fired for doing something wrong. Now, over the years, I have learned that although it is important to be respectful, tactful, and an efficient worker.. 
I do not need to feel as though I owe my life to thank a job
 for hiring me when they are not paying me any more than the minimum.

The second job I will talk about is waitressing. One of the places I waitressed at was a resturaunt I actually really love the food at called "Border Cafe". It felt like my co-workers were popular bullies in high school. They were all so clicky, unwelcoming, and talked what felt like a mile a minute leaving me disoriented. At most waitressing jobs, there is this thing called "sidework" which is basically just the waitresses doing all of the cleaning and shutting down of the restaurant before it closes and everyone goes home. When you did your side work, you were supposed to get one of the "closing managers" (which was another waitress that had usually worked there for a long time) to sign a piece of paper saying that they checked your portion of the cleaning or whatever and your work was complete. I had noticed that all of the other waitresses just signed the piece of paper themselves (avoiding having to track down a closing manager only to find out they are busy for the next twenty minutes so you have to wait around twiddling your thumbs). Long story short: I noticed most people forging signatures, so I decided to do it too because all my work was honestly done and I could tell Id have to wait around for a really long time before I could leave. Unluckily for me, my closing manager was this girl Caitlyn, which I am not just saying this or making this up, but Caitlyn was one of those blatantly, angry, and bitter people who thrived on making other peoples lives frustrating. When Caitlyn saw that I had forged the signature, instead of pulling me aside and asking me not to do it again, she went straight into the managers office and told him. He said I was on "probation" or some other term I cant remember which meant I was being closely watched. The next day I was on my way and I called to say Id be 10 minutes late and the manager told me to not bother even coming back ever, I was fired. I learned that waitressing wasn't for me, and since I wanted to work in the social services field, I would try to work at a daycare, or maybe a receptionist job. I will say though, most of the waitressing jobs I had, I didn't find the staff to be friendly, except for the UNOS in the Burlington Mall, everyone was super nice there but I had to leave because I was harassed by one of the managers but that is a whole other long story, which I will talk about it my next post!

But then: Work became fun.

Work to live - Don't live to work 

Now I'll talk about my current job and the one right before it. 
The job I had before the job I have now was working as a daycare teacher with 4-5 year old kids. I didn't really like the job that much, I found it very challenging, although I liked the people I worked with, it just didn't seem to be the right fit. The job that I have now is actually through the same company. I am an after school teacher and I absolutely love it. When you're working with kids people always tell you "You have to find the age group that works for you". It's so true. The kids I work with now are second and third graders. Working with older kids is a way better fit for me and what I am capable of, I feel like I get paid to hang out with my young friends everyday. Of course, this job can be really challenging at times because kids have so much energy and when you are the one responsible for their safety you have to make sure you stand your ground. What I like most about my job is that one of the things I get to do is create art activities and things like that, and its so cool because I am into art anyways so I get to enjoy doing it with the kids.But anyhow, I love my job and I hope that in the future I never have to have a job that I don't at least like a little bit if not love! 

and lastly, a few hip hop verses to some co-workers of the past who did not know the meaning of kindness:

Hey Caitlyn why you gotta be so rude
You act like we're surgeons
but we're just serving food
I start my day confident, you straight up ruin my mood

When I carry heavy trays you just get in my way
you do it on purpose but you smile and say
excuse me Sara - but I see through your intentions
When I needed help you were the first to mention

A mistake I had made, you couldnt let it fade
You had to be like that tattle student that had to get A's
Yo, your so annoying I wish I could trip you
Laugh at you and flip you off so hard, and the boss 
He thought I was no loss, but moving on from ya
was to me no cost

to me and my future 
you called me a loser
but I heard some rumors
you stole and left in a cruiser

Now when I roll through that joint to get food
I see you running around and looking all crude 
I get to sit back, place an order, enjoy a drink
couple of years ago, I never would think

that Id be the customer and you'd me serving me
but im not a jerk so I don't feel glee

Im just releived I dont have to take orders again
from rude ass girls and angry ass men

Empowering myself

 No more mess ups. I've learned my lessons, I want to take my dreams and make them mine.

In my life, especially during high school, I was a huge procrastinator. My priorities were my friends, and how I was going to have fun that day. I didn't take a second to think that I should be preparing for my future, like a lot of my other friends had apparently done. After a few years of living at home prior to graduating high school, I was actually forced to move out of my parents house. Now, I have my own place (I live in a house with roommates), a job that I love, my own car, and I am in school part time. I got all of these things on my own, by making phone calls, making emails ect, taking chances when I felt too nervous to do things like go to an interview. I discovered my own power by sort of learning how to be a go getter, instead of just applying for a few jobs and waiting around, I made phone calls and tracked people down like a mad woman. When I saw an opportunity I went after it and gave it my all. It was very good for me to discover this power because I don’t have the type of family that will do these things for me. But, I wouldn’t feel right ending this paragraph without giving my mother credit for all that she has done for me, she has helped me a lot. 

"Your wings already exist,

 you just have to find a way to fly"

A moment in my life when I lost power was when I invested too much of my feelings into the person that I was dating. If he made a comment about me not doing well enough, I felt I wasn't good enough. The relationship was semi verbally abusive because I know I did not deserve to be punished in the ways in which I was because of little things. But, I let the fact that my boyfriend was not pleased with me make me feel like I wasn't good enough. This was a moment of weakness in my life because I based my feelings completely on what one single person had to say about me, a person with very high expectations and a person who doesn't understand what it’s like to have to do everything on your own with no help. I felt belittled, I felt like i wasn't good enough, and intimidated by other women who seemed to have it all together. I am just recently learning that it is true, when you want to make changes, you have to do it for yourself, and not for anyone else, or else you'll get messed up somewhere along the way.

When it comes to strengthening my power, things like going for a jog and listening to music is probably one of the most empowering things I can do. When I am working out my body, and enjoying the music, it is an incredible mix of making me think about future inspirations as well as helping the endorphins in my brain to feel motivated and happy Also, for some reason, when I stay up late at night I seem to think of ideas of what I want to do with my future. I feel the most clear headed when I am alone and I have time to think. I feel like when I cut friends out like turning off my phone so that I can focus on myself, I am able to best focus on what is healthy for me. My boyfriend always tells me that I should use my calender and notes on my phone but for some reason I love pens and notebooks, there is something special and intriguing about them to me, they allow me to brainstorm ideas and make to do lists. I have a habit of being bored at home and getting stir crazy and feeling like I need to get out of the house. With that said, I go out too much on weeknights. When I can actually control myself and stay in, I wake up so happy knowing that I saved my money and got a good nights rest as well as getting other things done. I keep saying I am going to, and I really want to.. but I want to start doing things like: yoga, meditation, healthy eating, photography, more artwork, model and acting gigs, volunteering, learning acoustic guitar, also my friend and I wanted to make our own cleaning business. 

Pray, Be Patient, Work Hard.

When I was a limitless child it was all about fun

Where could I find friends my age? Could I make friends with them?

I want to be part of their lives, I want to be special to them

and we will have so much fun playing together

Wreckless, crazy and loud: I loved to make people laugh

I was going to be an actress, a pretty one

I was going to get the nicest clothes, I would be the prettiest girl in school

And when I grew up, like way into the future, a time so far from now

I would be an actress, everyone would know me

I would be rich, and I would use the money to help those people

Those poor people I saw on the TV that day that changed my life

How could there be little children with no clothes, no food, and no home?

I will find a way to help them. I don't want to see anymore children

crying, on the dirty streets with no shirts on. 

I wanted to cry, I wanted to help them now

But how could I get to them? And even if I gave them the 

food I had, it wouldn't be enough last them forever

Oh, a homeless shelter, where children can come from other

countries and live there. Like a big mansion where they can 

all live, and I will find a way to take care of them.

But today, Im getting jealous of the girl with the Barbie jeep, 

I always wanted one of those.

Definitely what it looked like inside my head as a child!

Since I hope to work in an Urban school as a teacher, I love this lyric in the song "I can" by Nas

"Nobody says you have to be gangstas, ho*s, read more, learn more change the globe"

The teacher I'll always remember

Dear Mrs. Wingrove,

I'm writing you this letter to thank you for being such a hard worker, and for caring so much about your students that you go above and beyond so that we are on the right path. I am so lucky to have crossed paths with you during my lifetime. You may not know it, but the things that you have taught me have stuck with me forever. All of the great and useful things that I have learned from you are thought about and appreciated, still, every single day!

When I first started attending the Burlington Evening Academy, I saw you twice a week.  At first, you were just another teacher. As I got to know you, I could tell that you were as kind as they come! Not only did you create this wonderful program so that high school kids who weren't doing so well with grades could have a better shot at getting their diplomas, you also included yourself in the program. You worked hard to help us learn and grow to be more responsible people. You taught me to never give up on myself, that kindness wasn't always taken for granted, and you showed me what great potential I had when I tried.

Today, I am in school part time and working at an elementary school part time. I know that you would be happy that I am still going to school! I love my job and I am finally getting better grades in school, like you always told me I could if I had tried harder. The way that you interacted with students, even the ones who weren’t so nice to you, really taught be to be a better person. Today, because of you, if something isn’t going my way I know with certainty that everything will get better if I just keep my head up and keep trying! I plan to be like you, and make a difference in peoples’ lives who need it the most. Thank you so much!

Best,

Sena

In a new classroom, where you helped me to be

A whole new world, you allowed me to see

No more stress, there’s a grand life ahead

You opened a door, and down the right path you led

If not for you, Id surely be lost

Me giving up, is what your absence would cost

Now I see the sun, and all that is light

Because of who you are, and how hard you fight

You do it for us, not for yourself

You blessed us with guidance and cared for our health

People come and go, they walk by so fast

But the imprint you've left, surely will last

You have the positive vibes that cure the rainy days

I have hope in the future now, storm clouds have gone away

Since your dreams have come true, I know that mine may

Inside my mind

 S a r a h  

I grew up in Burlington, Massachusetts. My immediate family consists of Mom, Dad, Step-dad, Zoika (sister, 23), and Ramona (sister, 16). I lived here in Burlington all my life, until last year when I moved to Arlington (MA) out on my own. As a kid I definitely did not get along with or appreciate my family as much as I do now. Now, I have a really close and good relationship with my mother and it means a a lot to me. Not only is my Mom always there for me, but she's cool and we hang out, I really enjoy that.

Art:

 I love doing work in my multi-media sketch book (water color, colored pencils, etc). I've been wanting to get an expensive camera for photography, I cant wait to take photos using my friends as models so they can see how beautiful they are!

Music:

 I love music! If I want to wake myself up in the morning I'll put on something happy & upbeat to get excited about the day. If I want to feel relaxed I'll light some candles and put on some meditation music or soundscapes. I got a keyboard a few years ago and started messing around with it. I've always wanted to learn how to play the acoustic guitar, sing and write my own music. Music is essential to me if I am going to the gym, on a nature walk, or skiing.. Music just makes everything better.

Film: 

I love watching movies. I'm really good at predicting what will happen next in movies and shows. I try to look at it from the directors perspective and think "What are they trying to tell me in this scene?"

Fashion: 

I love clothes--fashion is art to me; I love putting together outfits or even just looking at pictures of fashion models. When I see an outfit I like I try to find a way to duplicate it using whatever I can find in my room, even if I don't have the exact pieces, I use my imagination and make it work. Sometimes I amaze myself at how I can duplicate what a model is wearing in a picture just by manipulating random pieces of clothing that I can scrape together in my room (using a shirt for a skirt, or a scarf for a shirt, etc).

My Dreams:

 If my life long dream came true: I would be designing my own clothes, running a very successful clothing store, and using the money to help people (orphans, poor, sick, etc). But, since I haven't got there yet, I like to volunteer when I can. I'm always trying to think of others throughout my day, and do my part to make this world a better place. I care about others, a lot, I'm always complimenting people or doing things to make them feel good. Right now I'm working as an after-school teacher. I love my job. I wake up happy to go to work because I get to be surrounded by young, happy people. I think they look up to me and it is my pleasure to give them all of my attention.

Jason would describe me as:

Funny - Kind - Crazy - Caring - Sweet - A Mess 

Before my friend Jason passed away this Christmas, a recent text from him to me read:

"You're one of the sweetest people I know, I'm lucky to have you in my life"

I try to wake up every morning see the world like this. 

The world can be a magical place if you adjust the way you look at things and 
stay happy minded.

I have pictures from my past hung

All over my bedroom walls

Making me feel secure - they remind me everything will be okay

Sometimes when you're lonely

All can feel insecure; like the ground underneath you could shatter

Family & friends saved me from my self

Each night maybe they prayed for me, perhaps that made me well

One of the most important things about me is I am always laughing, being silly, and making jokes!

Always!