Fears, Assets, Obstacles

fears, assets, obstacles

When it comes to my inner fears, I think that mainly what I fear the most is that I will reach a certain age like the age of 65 and realize that I haven't done any of the things that I had dreamed of doing throughout my life. Helping the less fortunate, and using fashion to help the less fortunate are two things that I have been dreaming of doing since I was a very small child. I used to volunteer, when I was younger, and lived with my parents. It was easy to do things like volunteer back then because I didn't have work, school, and the financial stresses that I now have. I hope that somehow, I can find time to volunteer again, and think that it is probably very doable if I find the time to look into it and find a good fit. 

Another fear that I have, which I think is a fear that lies within the back of my mind, is that I will be 40 years old and still not completed college, have my own place, or be somewhat accepted by my peers. I live by the words of going my own path, not paying attention to the "American dream" and not worrying what others opinions are of me. But, I know that in the back of my mind, I do care what people think, maybe not as much as others-- but it is still there a little bit. Then, there are the other day fears like: Will I be able to make rent this month? What if I don't find time to complete my assignments? What if I can't find a second or third job soon? I am out of money, how will I pay for groceries?.. financial fears are always there, and I think that is true for the majority of people.

inspired by the fear of being average

An asset I have is that once I want or need something, mostly need, I find a way to get it done. When I first left my parents house and had no idea what I was going to do, I applied to a bunch of places for a job each day, and eventually found one. I have always been good at hunting down jobs. I hope to use this asset where I make things happen in order to find my place of helping people in the world. I feel like I am just so busy on the day to day spectrum, and then exhausted by the end of it that I procrastinate on doing things that aren't necessarily "required" at the moment. Thinking and writing about it, although I do have a lot going on at the moment, I really do hope to find time to be able to do something that gives back towards others in the very near future. One more asset that I enjoy having is that I believe that although it is important to recognize and address responsibilities, I think that an important part of life is about enjoying the moment, rather than just working and working and hoping that all of my hard work will somehow magically bring me to a place of happiness. I do believe that hard work is important, and I have seen how it can pay off. But, I also constantly remind myself that I need to also have fun, appreciate, and love the moment rather than just running around tackling to-do-lists all the time.

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure- Paulo Coelho

I certainly have some obstacles, but thinking in the wide spectrum, they aren't as bad as they could be. For instance, I come from a nice, suburban town where most of my friends who I grew up with have parents who would pay for them to do whatever they wanted, or buy them whatever they wanted. I am not saying that all of my friends are a bunch of Paris Hiltons who have it all, but maybe just a bit more support than I do. I had to figure things out on my own, which is probably even a blessing in disguise. Not to say that my parents dont do anything at all for me, but sometimes I envy the advantages of some of my friends. All things considered though, I feel very lucky when I think about people with deadly diseases or people in such dire circumstances that they do not even have access to clean water. I feel very lucky and privileged to live in a country where you can literally get a clean glass of water for free from a Mcdonalds or Dunkin Donuts. But I wonder, why do some get to live like this and not others? I do have faith that in some unseen way things are fair in the bigger picture, at least I sure hope so!

 In addition to that obstacle, a big obstacle of mine is how I live my life. I have always been a huge procrastinator. I get distracted and feel the need to unwind. I've gotten a little better at it these past few years, but, I do need to work on teaching myself structure and the ability to put things that matter first instead of calling it a day and watching movies all night.

Money, money, money
You drive me insane
When I run out of you
I'm on a big worry train

I dream of my goals and I dream of my career
but without you, how can ever I get near?
A happy life? Hm maybe next year


I ache to help orphans, abused, and poor
But with God watching me, what is my score?
Have I failed this task? I'll have to ask
For some guidance, to break through from the mask

Forget beauty, money, and impressing others
I'm gonna find a way to help sisters and brothers
The people that need me, the people that need a mother

I was born for this, I'm gonna make it happen
No more procrastinatin' no more slackin'

Dreaming of today

remember
why
you
started

Life is a journey, not a destination

This morning I woke up thinking about where I am going in my life. I think that during the daily rush, people focus too much on where they are going and not where they are. I think that other 25 year olds think they can only feel completion once they are married with kids and own a house. But, I feel as if many people don't realize that once they get to that point, they will get nostalgic about the days we are in now.I often think about this and tell myself that I should try to enjoy my life right now, and find purpose in the day which I am in, rather than thinking I can only feel complete once I get a degree, house, married, etc. 

Another question I find myself commonly asking is what I want to do with my career. I love the thought of making a difference and I am trying to head toward a degree in teaching. But each morning as I wake up I think to myself "I am not a morning person at all. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life needing to be bright eyed and bushy tailed by 7am?". Sometimes I wonder how far I could get without a college degree. Most people tell me that it is not a good idea to skip college because you are always better off with some sort of degree, which I can not really deny--It is a good point seeing as these days the work world is getting more and more competitive-- and I must admit, I thoroughly have fun with each learning experience during college. Now that I am thinking about it, I can't go wrong with more education, but if I want to achieve goals of helping people and being an entrepreneur, I'll just have to make more time for that, as well as my education. 

I also find myself asking questions like "Do I really have a purpose? What if its all just meaningless, what if I am wasting my time trying to keep myself on some path that doesn't even exist?" But then I think: even so, I would be satisfied with enjoying some sort of life as well as helping as many people as I can. I know I want to help people, and I've thought about the different ways to do it: doctors help people feel better, teachers help people become educated, government workers can use opportunities help those less fortunate.. Where do I truly belong in that picture? It would be amazing to help people in different countries who are without a family, without food and clean water, and without health care.. but there are so many people that need to be helped! It is overwhelming. I will just continue to be my best person as an individual and see where it leads me, and hold onto my faith that I can only fit into this picture as much as one human possibly can. I have definitely created some setbacks for myself along the way, but I must use those as learning experiences, change my ways, and try my hardest.. I think others rely on it.

When I stop I notice...

The snowflakes falling down, 
People bundled up with hoods and heads down,
The lights coming on in the store across the street...
To greet another day of people in and out

The buses start to come
To take and leave people
They're trying to stay warm
They're pushing the snow away

If you look at the soft white friendly flakes and the way they flow
Each piece glides gently from the sky 
Each flake lightly meets us down from heaven... 
Way down here

If you pretend for one second, you're not in a fast rush
You could admire the snow from a warm home
With thoughts of a fireplace, hot cocoa and warmth

If you look real early in the morning, 
Listen with your eyes, its beautiful to see 
The people and the snow coexisting each day
Maybe snow flakes don't mean mean to bother
But maybe just to play